Geordie Slapper

The reality TV gold which was 'Celebrity Love Island' finally came to an end last night after five long weeks of b-list celebs acting like 15 year olds in the south pacific. And sure enough, ITV1's continuity announcer set the tone for the evening by promising viewers the chance to "choose which couple will come first in the live climax". Is it just me, or is there a double meaning there?

Not that all those involved have been acting like teenagers for the past month. After struggling with the autocue for 36 shows now, Kelly Brook's reading age still hasn't progressed much beyond that of an 11 year old. And having seen a relaxed and articulate Dakota Fanning on GMTV yesterday morning, Kelly's even got comptetition in that age group.

But after shamefully voting out national treasure Paul Danan at the end of last week, the British public were left with four loved-up celebrities for last night's live final: Fran Cosgrave ("a diamond geezer"), Lee Sharpe ("a top bloke") Liz McClarnon ("everything you could ever want in a girl"), and Jayne Middlemiss ("the Geordie slapper"). From those four we were expected to choose "Love Island's Golden Couple". Though how you choose a golden couple from such a shower, I've no idea. Although if we're talking golden showers, I wouldn't put anything past Paul Danan.

Anyhoo, the climax to the five weeks of loving was emotional for all concerned. Jayne, the island's resident bunny boiler who was becoming scarier by the day, and clearly needs an urgent psychological assessment in the same way that Abi Titmuss needs a dietician, declared it to be "the best thing I've ever done", before deciding to give her measured response to comments made in the press by Lord Coe.

Lord Coe (Sebastian to his friends) had publicly stated that the show's participants were "the wrong kind of role model" for today's youth. Jayne was clearly keen to prove his lordship wrong, and sought to dispel this myth on national television with the words "Don't f*cking judge me when you haven't f*cking walked in my shoes, you stupid f*cking Tory, f*ck off", before sticking two fingers up at the camera. Which just about puts paid to any accusuations of her setting a bad example. She clearly speaks to the children in a language they can understand.

And what's more, it appears to be a vote-winner. When the results were announced, it was Jayne and Fran who emerged victorious and pocketed the hundred grand prize. Fran was philosophical, stating that "I've had an experience that I'm going to bore everyone to death with for the rest of my life". What does he mean 'going to'??? Jayne meanwhile responded with a cry of "Fiji Massive!". She must've spotted Abi on the horizon.

The Golden Couple crowned, all that was left was for Paul Danan to rush in off camera, tread on Jayne's foot, and leave her bleeding through the final interview. You just can't keep that man down.

The Inner Nikki

There's no doubt that the brightest star in the reality TV firmament over the past few weeks has been Paul Danan on 'Celebrity Love Island'. Unfortunately it's been verging on the impossible to write anything about him. After all, how do you take the piss out of someone who spends twenty-four hours a day doing it for himself? The man's beyond parody.

So far we've seen him break-dancing with a stupid haircut, falling in love with Lady Isabella Hervey, asking her to share his bed, trying to kiss her, and telling the world that she's his ideal woman and they're made for each other. Of course, that was before the arrival of Nikki Ziering, an American glamour model who's about as big a film star as Paul is. According to the official Love Island website, she's also a regular on the US version of 'The Price is Right'. The price in Nikki's case being 'cheap'.

Paul immediately declared that he'd never been interested in Isabella, had only ever wanted to be friends, and had no idea where she'd got the idea that he'd been coming on to her. He then declared it a miracle that Nikki had walked into his life, described her as "definite marriage material", and announced that he was in love. All within half an hour of meeting her.

After which he sat by the pool and stated that all Jewish people are tight. But I think he meant something else by that.

Add to this the fact that he turns into a psychopath after one drink, and had to be escorted off the island for 24 hours by security guards after telling half of his fellow castaways to f*ck off, and threatening celebrity minder Fran Cosgrave with physical violence, and you realise just what a national treasure this man is. I'd give him his own show immediately.

But the programme hit a real high last night, with the return of Nikki Ziering from the Love Shack. Reunited again, Paul stated that "love is definitely there" (in his imagination, that is), before announcing that "I'd like to know the inner Nikki". If it was the outer Nikki, he could just buy a copy of Playboy, but no, Paul wanted to go deeper. And it seems he may have got his way...

The point at which true love blossomed would appear to be the moment Paul and Nikki discovered that they share a mutual friend. Nikki happened to mention a conversation she'd had in L.A. with Fabrice Morvan of pop fraudsters Milli Vanilli, prompting an excited Paul to respond with "Fab??! He's my best friend!!!". Personally I find it hard to believe that Paul has any friends, let alone that they include former members of Milli Vanilli, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he sang on their records.

It was obviously enough for Nikki anyway. Now convinced that not only is Paul a major movie star, but he also hangs out with failed pop groups, she happily jumped into bed for a quick fumble, before leading him off for a private session in the boys' bathroom.

Two minutes and fifty-eight seconds later (he doesn't hang around), Paul emerged looking drained from his performance, and immediately thanked the British public for their support. No, thank you, Paul. You've made us all feel better about our lack of sexual stamina.

Of course, we don't know exactly what went on in that bathroom, but in the words of Paul, "She was very kind to me". Yesssss..? And..? "I'm not telling what happened but she was really kind to go so far. I'm still in shock".

So I think she must have let him borrow her mouthwash.

I Want My Mam

It's always good to see a new prime-time reality show on our screens, especially one which features the word 'celebrity' in the title. It's about as close to a seal of quality as you can get in this business. So I was particularly pleased to welcome 'Celebrity Love Island' onto ITV1 last night, a show which posed the teasing question "Can you create the perfect celebrity couple?".

Taking a look at the line-up, the answer would appear to be no. Personally I'd never heard of half of them, but I expect that's only because I'm generally unfamiliar with people who have been in about three episodes of a minor soap.

The biggest stars were presenting it, namely Patrick Kielty and Kelly Brook, the latter seeking to show how much she's learnt since her Big Breakfast days. And the answer? Very little. And that's being generous. The pair made a consummate presenting couple, the like of which we've not seen since Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood did the Brits. The show may be set in Fiji, but after five minutes of Miss Brook's personal brand of wooden ineptitude, I already felt like catching the next plane out there just to give her a slap.

But ignoring the hosts, the rest of the celebs seemed to be enjoying themselves. As Atomic Kitten's Liz McClarnon said of Eastenders' Mr Greco, "Michael's come up with loads of games for us to play which are really good fun. Games where we throw things into bowls". One can only assume that all the available drying paint on the island had been watched by then.

Others seemed a little unclear on why they were even there. When seasonal greeting soundalike, Abi Titmuss, posed the question "Did you come here looking for love?", boy-band bodyguard Fran Cosgrave looked so taken aback, you'd think Paul Burrell had just announced a close personal friendship with Tom Hanks. But then Fran appeared confused on a number of issues. Having labeled Abi as 'promiscuous', a label she seemed to resent somewhat, Fran calmly explained the misunderstanding by stating "I just have a different description in my head of what that word means".

In the same way I like to think of Rebecca Loos as a total slapper, but obviously I mean something completely different when I say that.

Fortunately for Abi though, best friend Calum was on hand to lend some support with the reassuring words "Baby, I don't really give a shite".

Not everyone was as happy as Abi though. Jayne Middlemiss, who was described onscreen by her friend Chris as "great fun to be around, she's a real laugh", sought to confirm that opinion by spending the night sobbing into her hankie whilst complaining "There's no walls, I haven't got any walls, I haven't got a wall. I've got no security".

Yeah, I'm quite attached to walls myself. I find they help to keep the ceiling up.

Jayne continued with the tearful cry "I don't like it. I want to go home", before finishing with a wailing "I want my Mam!".

Which was pretty much how I felt after sitting through ninety minutes of this thing.