Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Not that all those involved have been acting like teenagers for the past month. After struggling with the autocue for 36 shows now, Kelly Brook's reading age still hasn't progressed much beyond that of an 11 year old. And having seen a relaxed and articulate Dakota Fanning on GMTV yesterday morning, Kelly's even got comptetition in that age group.
But after shamefully voting out national treasure Paul Danan at the end of last week, the British public were left with four loved-up celebrities for last night's live final: Fran Cosgrave ("a diamond geezer"), Lee Sharpe ("a top bloke") Liz McClarnon ("everything you could ever want in a girl"), and Jayne Middlemiss ("the Geordie slapper"). From those four we were expected to choose "Love Island's Golden Couple". Though how you choose a golden couple from such a shower, I've no idea. Although if we're talking golden showers, I wouldn't put anything past Paul Danan.
Anyhoo, the climax to the five weeks of loving was emotional for all concerned. Jayne, the island's resident bunny boiler who was becoming scarier by the day, and clearly needs an urgent psychological assessment in the same way that Abi Titmuss needs a dietician, declared it to be "the best thing I've ever done", before deciding to give her measured response to comments made in the press by Lord Coe.
Lord Coe (Sebastian to his friends) had publicly stated that the show's participants were "the wrong kind of role model" for today's youth. Jayne was clearly keen to prove his lordship wrong, and sought to dispel this myth on national television with the words "Don't f*cking judge me when you haven't f*cking walked in my shoes, you stupid f*cking Tory, f*ck off", before sticking two fingers up at the camera. Which just about puts paid to any accusuations of her setting a bad example. She clearly speaks to the children in a language they can understand.
And what's more, it appears to be a vote-winner. When the results were announced, it was Jayne and Fran who emerged victorious and pocketed the hundred grand prize. Fran was philosophical, stating that "I've had an experience that I'm going to bore everyone to death with for the rest of my life". What does he mean 'going to'??? Jayne meanwhile responded with a cry of "Fiji Massive!". She must've spotted Abi on the horizon.
The Golden Couple crowned, all that was left was for Paul Danan to rush in off camera, tread on Jayne's foot, and leave her bleeding through the final interview. You just can't keep that man down.