Friday, June 10, 2005

The Inner Nikki

There's no doubt that the brightest star in the reality TV firmament over the past few weeks has been Paul Danan on 'Celebrity Love Island'. Unfortunately it's been verging on the impossible to write anything about him. After all, how do you take the piss out of someone who spends twenty-four hours a day doing it for himself? The man's beyond parody.

So far we've seen him break-dancing with a stupid haircut, falling in love with Lady Isabella Hervey, asking her to share his bed, trying to kiss her, and telling the world that she's his ideal woman and they're made for each other. Of course, that was before the arrival of Nikki Ziering, an American glamour model who's about as big a film star as Paul is. According to the official Love Island website, she's also a regular on the US version of 'The Price is Right'. The price in Nikki's case being 'cheap'.

Paul immediately declared that he'd never been interested in Isabella, had only ever wanted to be friends, and had no idea where she'd got the idea that he'd been coming on to her. He then declared it a miracle that Nikki had walked into his life, described her as "definite marriage material", and announced that he was in love. All within half an hour of meeting her.

After which he sat by the pool and stated that all Jewish people are tight. But I think he meant something else by that.

Add to this the fact that he turns into a psychopath after one drink, and had to be escorted off the island for 24 hours by security guards after telling half of his fellow castaways to f*ck off, and threatening celebrity minder Fran Cosgrave with physical violence, and you realise just what a national treasure this man is. I'd give him his own show immediately.

But the programme hit a real high last night, with the return of Nikki Ziering from the Love Shack. Reunited again, Paul stated that "love is definitely there" (in his imagination, that is), before announcing that "I'd like to know the inner Nikki". If it was the outer Nikki, he could just buy a copy of Playboy, but no, Paul wanted to go deeper. And it seems he may have got his way...

The point at which true love blossomed would appear to be the moment Paul and Nikki discovered that they share a mutual friend. Nikki happened to mention a conversation she'd had in L.A. with Fabrice Morvan of pop fraudsters Milli Vanilli, prompting an excited Paul to respond with "Fab??! He's my best friend!!!". Personally I find it hard to believe that Paul has any friends, let alone that they include former members of Milli Vanilli, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he sang on their records.

It was obviously enough for Nikki anyway. Now convinced that not only is Paul a major movie star, but he also hangs out with failed pop groups, she happily jumped into bed for a quick fumble, before leading him off for a private session in the boys' bathroom.

Two minutes and fifty-eight seconds later (he doesn't hang around), Paul emerged looking drained from his performance, and immediately thanked the British public for their support. No, thank you, Paul. You've made us all feel better about our lack of sexual stamina.

Of course, we don't know exactly what went on in that bathroom, but in the words of Paul, "She was very kind to me". Yesssss..? And..? "I'm not telling what happened but she was really kind to go so far. I'm still in shock".

So I think she must have let him borrow her mouthwash.