What Rhymes With Minger?

You've got to hand it to Channel 4. I don't know how they do it, but they've managed to unearth some even greater social misfits to add to the Big Brother house. In a surprise twist last night, and just minutes after the eviction of Scouse Italian food-obsessive, Roberto, three new contestants were sent into 'Big Brother's Secret Garden', an understocked green room with a talking stag and no bar. And what a triumvirate of abnormality they were.

First up, we had 20 year old market researcher, Kinga. Which rhymes with minger. I mention that for pronunciation purposes only. The lovely Kinga has two friends (I'm surprised it's that many) and describes herself as a two-faced bitch (one for each friend - handy), whilst her favourite book is Jordan's autobiography. Which I'm not sure counts as a book. Kinga's first words upon entering the house were "Bloody hell, my minge", which suggests she may just have what it takes to fill the void left by Lesley.

Kinga was followed in by Eugene, a 27 year old engineer from Crawley who "throws tellies off cliffs", is "quite good looking" (yep, it's another deluded one) and likes amateur radio and geology field trips. Not surprisingly, Eugene didn't mention having as many as two friends.

Finally we had 26 year old Orlaith (is nobody called Jane or Susan any more?), who confidently declared "I'm one of the top models in Belfast", which is a bit like being one of the most talented members of the Spice Girls, before proudly adding "I was once called Barbie". Yes, but so was Klaus, and he was more of a looker.

The three were sent into the house in fig leaves, not the most flattering of outfits for poor Kinga. Although frankly it didn't do Eugene any favours either. Having set eyes on each other, Kinga told Orlaith "Oh my god, you look gorgeous!", while Orlaith responded by looking her up and down, and desperately searching for a compliment, before eventually going with "Your eyes are amazing".

Big Brother then gave them one minute to collect "enough food to last you through the night", causing Kinga to run out of the diary room with a cry of "My boobs are so heavy!", and start emptying the fridge. She proved herself an enterprising girl however, by handing Eugene a cucumber and telling him to "stick it up my fanny". It's clearly the most efficient way to transport fruit and veg.

Orlaith, meanwhile, was busy going for the essentials. She returned at the end of the minute with the all-important announcement "I managed some wipes for our make-up". Yep, that should keep them going for a few days.

So there we have it. Having viewed this trio of oddballs for little more than twenty minutes, I'd already like to nominate Kinga for Queen, and if anyone so much as thinks of evicting her, they'll have me to answer to. The woman's solid gold, and with Lesley gone, and Paul Danan temporarily off our screens, we can't afford to lose her.