Saturday, May 28, 2005

Unlucky For Some

Thirteen contestants, eleven weeks, a couple of gnomes and a naughty step. It could only be the start of Big Brother 6.

And just who do we have competing for the hundred grand prize this time around..? Well no one normal, obviously. But here's the rundown...

There's Derek, a professional speech writer and political analyst, who's willing to admit to being a close personal friend of Neil Hamilton. So he's clearly not all there. But as the black, gay, Tory fox-hunter himself says, "I've made history". I think he's confusing history with lasagne there. He also worked as a strategist for the Conservative party during the last election. Which is probably why they lost.

Next up was Lesley, who arrived in a white PVC nurse's uniform, so presumably she'd come straight from work. She admitted "Every girl is always looking at me as if I'm less than them", but didn't seem to have drawn any logical conclusions from that. She did, however, announce that ugly people make her sad, so she probably has to avoid mirrors. But she walked in confidently with her boob job and thick Huddersfield accent, prompting man-of-the-people Derek to jump straight in with the question "Are you a Liverpudlian?". I don't think he's been outside of Berkshire before.

Housemate number three was Sam, a self-proclaimed feminist and big fan of Christina Aguilera (well someone has to be), who considers herself "the horniest girl in the world". I could certainly imagine two coming out of her forehead for a start. She's also had a boob job, but then who hasn't these days (apart from Saskia, obviously), and she's attempting to prove that two thongs don't make a sight, by taking thirty-five of them into the house.

Fourth in was Maxwell, a north London lad who admitted "I've got opinions, although most of 'em don't make any sense", making him the ideal Big Brother contestant. His middle name's Trotter, presumably because he looks like a pig, and he describes himself as "the walking Stephen Hawking". By which he means he gets beaten up a lot. I expect.

Vanessa, aka 'The Cookie Monster' (I'd shoot her for that alone), was next in, and was clearly doing an impression of Marco from BB5. I give her three days tops before that one wears off. She claimed to be able to "turn any gay man straight", which was ironic, because after watching her for thirty seconds I found myself going off women.

Housemate number six, Anthony, "dances with a 70s dance troupe in nightclubs every weekend" (so he's a cheap stripper then) and claims to "like false tits", meaning he should get on well with most of the girls in the house. Sadly he blew his chances of winning before even getting inside, by milking the crowd to such an extent that he turned the whole country against him and went in to a chorus of boos. But hey, it's probably no more than he's used to in those nightclubs every weekend.

Next up was Roberto, an Italian stallion (sigh) with a past as a professional windsurfer and basketball player. But presumably only in his living room on the Playstation. He drives a white van, so he should get on well with Maxwell, and loves watching 'Ready, Steady, Cook', which is not something I've heard a man say before. Well not a straight man.

Housemate eight Makosi is a nurse, but unlike Lesley, had chosen not to wear her uniform to the launch programme. She did however declare "I love myself", so she's clearly not afraid of being in a minority of one. She also mentioned her chauffeur, maid and butler, before talking about how gorgeous she is, and claiming to be a devout Christian. Obviously her Bible's missing the pages on humility.

Craig, who attended the auditions as a Howard Jones lookalike, circa 1986, was next in. He informed us "I love destroying people's lives", and as a hairdresser he has the power to do that. Especially if he gives them a similar haircut to his own. Oh, and I think he might be gay.

Scary Mary, quite contrary, was housemate number ten. She began well, with the words "Hi, I'm from Atlantis", before coming back down to earth and mentioning that she's a witch who used to be a mermaid, she lives with a ghost, and she's been abducted by aliens seven times. Though thankfully not in the past year and a half, which must be something of a relief for her. Mary's actually one of the more sane members of the house this year.

Science, on the other hand, is the self-proclaimed "ghetto spokesman" (from Leeds, obviously), who'll go anywhere on a coach. You might think he's had it bad, being named 'Science', but I've heard his brother's called Home Economics, so it could've been worse.

Penultimately, it's the aforementioned Saskia, a "100% natural" girl who just happens to have oversized breasts, ok? She did her bit for international relations by declaring "I'm a quarter Sri Lankan, so I'm not racist" (I expect some of her best friends are black too), before declaring that foreigners "all want to kill us". She's what you call a moderate in the BB house. She was also born with a hole in the heart, so I'd wholeheartedly like to wish her well.

And last but not least, we have Kemal, a "fabulous diva" who bellydanced his way into the house wearing stilettoes and a sari. He's competing with Makosi for the title of this year's 'most religious housemate', by claiming to be a Muslim. One of those Muslims who eat pork, drink alcohol, and have sex before marriage - you know the ones. But what do you expect from the bisexual son of an Elvis impersonator? Normality?

So there you have it: thirteen individuals representing a diverse cross-section of the unhinged community. I think I'll enjoy watching their lives being destroyed over the next three months.