Oh I See...

Following a path well-trodden by Ron Jeremy, the second series of 'The Farm' reached its shuddering climax last night, with a show featuring Lionel Blair, The Wurzels and a pig with a womb infection.

It's been an entertaining couple of weeks. The highlight for me has undoubtedly been showbiz legend Lionel's interaction with the irrepressible (and obviously completely barking) Flavor Flav. Lionel, who admitted "It was never like this at the Palladium", seemed to struggle with Flavor's diction, but having spent most of the first week thinking the man was called Flubber Filet, our Lionel finally grasped the concept of his name after having it repeated to him six times. He immediately responded with an all-knowing "Oh I see...", as though that explained everything.

But despite complaints about Flavor's 'focus pulling', and constant declarations of hatred towards the man, old pro Lionel sat side by side with the American rapper on last night's show (leading Colin McAllister to dub them 'the rapper and the tapper'), and offered an olive branch of peace, with the words "We had a ball, did we not?". Flavor's reply, "Check one-two and the place to be, from the bottom to the t-o-p, Farmer Flav", obviously lost something in translation, but he was soon handing the Blair a role in his new 'Flavor Flav animation project' (eh?) so the two had clearly bonded. Though quite how Lionel's expected to help with an animation project, I've no idea. The only thing he's drawn just lately is his pension.

But anyhoo, after eighteen days of inseminating turkeys and clearing up dog mess, the farmhands were reunited live on Five last night for the crowning of the winner, while Colin and Justin auditioned for 'Carry on Farmer' with numerous references to cocks, and did their best to interrupt Cicciolina every time she opened her mouth.

You have to feel sorry for Cicciolina. Not only was she the first one out, but she had to put up with being called Titterlina on a daily basis by Lionel, in a 'say what you see' kind of a way. But in the comforting words of Ron Jeremy, "I like her. We've had sex".

For the final four of Emma Noble, Dave the fireman, Mikey Whatsisname, and Orville & best friend Keith, the experience had clearly been life-changing. Mikey revealed "I came here with the total intention of being the best farmer I can be". The national exposure and fifty grand prize clearly meaning nothing to him then. Which is lucky, seeing as he didn't win.

He did however form a lasting bond with his fellow farmhands, stating "Emma and Dave will probably be my friends for life". Although when asked if she'd be seeing Mikey after the show, Emma herself went with a slightly more non-commital "Umm...", so he probably shouldn't bank on it lasting his whole life.

But hey, Emma Noble's mind is blank at the best of times. Two weeks ago she hadn't seemed to have any idea what she does for a living; a fortnight on, and her task was to stake her claim for the winner's spot. She began well with "Vote for me because...", before grinding to a complete halt and sitting there in silence. She finally resorted to getting her tits out next to a sheep.

Her views on why Mikey should win, however, were more forthcoming. She said he deserved it "because Mikey's real, and he's... you know... he's just real". Unlike the other farmhands, who were presumably all figments of her imagination.

Sadly for both of them though, the title of Top Farmer eventually went to Keith Harris and Orville, a kind of lifetime achievement award for their forty-six years in showbusiness. The others took it well. They'd all wanted Mikey to win. But it was a moment of triumph for the aging ventriloquist, and a poignant sight, as recovering alcoholic Keith cracked open the champagne, put down his leopardskin thong, and headed off to prepare for panto in Crewe.