Saturday, May 14, 2005

Mr Gay UK

Last night saw the series finale of Channel 4's 'Playing it Straight', where after six weeks of blind stumbling in the desert, the luckless (and frankly irritating) Zoe eventually reached her triumphant zenith of stupidity by confidently plumping for the only gay man in the final three. It was the outcome I'd been praying for.

But hey, how was she to know Ben was gay? He was a builder for god's sake. And he had a south London accent. The man was a master of disguise.

Of course, if at any point Zoe had put down her hair straighteners, popped next door to the local Mexican internet cafe, and entered the words 'Ben Harris' into a search engine, as I did a few weeks ago, she'd have found that macho geezer Ben was in fact crowned Mr Gay UK in 1998. Which might have provided her with a subtle clue to his sexuality.

But needless to say, she didn't. Zoe preferred to rely on tried and trusted detection techniques, such as noting whether he had his left ear pierced, and how he checked his fingernails for dirt. It couldn't fail. Except that it did.

Not that Zoe was bothered. I believe her exact words were "Oh whatever, I'm over it, it's fine. It's absolutely fine. Do you know what, I'm absolutely fine about it, I really don't care, it doesn't matter at all", as she snapped her bracelet in fury, fired a look of pure venom at Ben, and then stomped off in tears, possibly to find a weapon.

No wonder he gave her half the money - he was probably scared for his life.