Of course, if a programme like this is going to hold your interest for sixty minutes, what it really needs above anything else is a neurotic incompetent with a drink problem.
Step forward Lesley Hay.
Lesley and her husband Peter have always dreamed of running a ski chalet in the French Alps. Obviously they don't cook, clean, or speak French, but they do live in Scotland, so they're used to the cold. Peter's a farmer, but claims "there's no future in farming", which is true - the days of people buying milk, bread, meat and veg are clearly numbered, so the pair have set their hearts on a move to the mountains. 'Dream Business' kindly (and foolishly) gave them the chance to try their hand at running a chalet for five days, after which their performance would be judged by experts, and if found to be up to scratch the couple would be awarded a prize of £10,000 towards their new life. What could be simpler? Well, if you're Lesley, nuclear physics.
The pair arrived at Chalet Piton in Meribel with high hopes of success, and were introduced to the chalet's owners, Kate & Andrew Thorley (pictured above), who showed them around the seventeen beds and nine toilets they'd be cleaning for the next week. Peter cheerfully stated that "I've had my hands in a lot worse places than a toilet", which is no way to talk about Lesley, and met up with chalet boy Dave, who'd obviously been told to plug the company website address at every opportunity. He eventually resorted to wearing it on a t-shirt.
Introductions over, Peter and Lesley went shopping at the local supermarket, where they took four hours and went £100 over budget. Not the best start, it's true, but at least it got them out of the chalet, which for Kate & Andrew was probably good news.
The first full day in Meribel was guest changeover day. Peter & Lesley got off to an enthusiastic start by attempting to show a new guest up to her room while the previous occupant was still in bed, before getting down to some cleaning, which gave Lesley an opportunity to prove just how badly she takes criticism. It was an opportunity she grabbed with both hands. Frankly if I'd been Andrew, I'd have hit her.
But amid the scowls and pouts, they began preparations for the evening meal. Which for Lesley involved getting pissed and turning on the grill instead of the oven, meaning that whilst she was in the dining room giving a drunken speech to the guests, the Mozzarella & Aubergine starters were setting the kitchen on fire. As Lesley herself admitted, "I'm a disaster with a glass of wine in me". Although to be fair, she's pretty close without.
Not to be put off, Lesley set about serving frozen veg which had barely been defrosted, and responding to a guest who doesn't eat fish with the words "Give him a fucking ham sandwich". She then poured herself another drink and attempted to make an omelette, reclassifying it as scrambled egg half way through, and presenting it to a guest with the words "That's minging".
There's only one way to react to a first night like that. Peter & Lesley took the day off and went ski-ing.
By the end of the week, Lesley had hit upon a new plan for the catering side of the business, which could basically be summed up in two words: ready meals. So as the final 'Test Day' dawned, and with the arrival of the two Chalet Inspectors imminent, Lesley was planning to wow the judges with instant creme brulee out of a packet. Fortunately Geetie managed to talk her out of that one, and as Martin & Marguerite from Bigfoot Travel began their detailed inspection of the chalet, she asked owners Kate & Andrew "If you were the inspectors, what would you fail them on?".
Kate looked uncomfortable, and tried to find a polite way of saying "Everything", while Andrew merely passed judgement on Lesley's cooking with the words "I don't think she's a natural in the kitchen". He'd noticed then.
Back in the chalet, Lesley was attacking her creme brulee with a blowtorch, before losing control and nearly gassing the judges, while Peter was confidently stating "Whatever they think, we've done as well as we can". Which just goes to show how low their standards really were. Sure enough, the inspectors found unacceptable levels of cleanliness, and a poor standard of mushroom risotto, leaving Lesley and Peter with only one course of action: a lunchtime barbecue on the slopes.
Peter attempted to round up seventeen guests, managed only six, and thereby proved that eleven had learnt something from the previous five days, while Lesley attempted to lug a gas barbecue up the side of a mountain on foot. At the top, judge Martin inspected Peter's cooking with the words "Is it meant to look like that?", before forcing it down and gathering the couple together for the final verdict.
Clearly the decision could only go one way, and sure enough, with a look of ashen-faced concern... Martin & Margueritte handed over the ten grand. After all, this is reality TV - you can't have results that make any sense.
Peter & Lesley took the money, before announcing that the week had taught them a valuable lesson, and they were abandoning their dream forthwith. Peter went back to the farm, and Lesley started training as a beauty therapist. She may be incompetent, but she's not stupid.