The show takes six celebrities (well, five celebrities and Jasmine Lennard) to Ayia Napa and sets them to work for ten days as reps for Olympic Holidays. According to recent press reports, the celebs in question were to include Big Brother winner Nadia Almada, but strangely she (or, if you're old fashioned, he) wasn't amongst the six z-listers who turned up at Stansted for the economy flight to Cyprus. We did, however, have the pleasure of meeting Scott Wright, a former Rear of the Year and Coronation Street reject; Nina Myskow, who used to be the lowest of the low - a TV critic; Syd Little (yes, he's still alive), and Jodie Marsh. I can just picture the producer saying "Yes, we've got Jodie! Now pick up the phone and get me Jordan!" He must have been over the moon when he heard they'd succeeded. It's just a shame the girl in the office misunderstood, and booked the lead singer of New Kids on the Block. But you can't have everything. And the fact is that Jordan Knight's got a new album out. Though I'm sure that's just coincidence.
Bringing up the rear was Jasmine Lennard, who apparently "shot to fame" on Five's 'Make Me a Supermodel'. Nina Myskow spoke for the nation when she commented "I hadn't a clue who she was". It would become something of a recurring theme as the show went on.
Having arrived in Cyprus and settled into their luxury villa, the group were awoken early next morning and set to work... um... repping. As presenter Toby Anstis said, or rather shouted over the din of the local nightlife (whoever came up with the idea of filming the links outside a club at 10pm should be shot), "It's a far cry from their glamorous lives back home". Glamorous? Syd Little??
Nonetheless, they were given their uniforms and accessories, which prompted an immediate outcry from three members of the team - Jodie and Jasmine refusing to wear the clothes, and Scott announcing "I'm not being seen with that phone". I hope he was being ironic, but frankly I wouldn't put money on it.
But before long the group were being introduced to Head Rep, Julie Moss, who greeted them with the words "Welcome to the Olympic team" - coincidentally, the very words spoken to Eddie the Eagle in 1988, and said with about as much sincerity. Julie outlined the rules on smoking, drinking and tattoos, before retrieving the girls' shoes from the patch of waste ground where they'd dumped them, and telling Jodie to cross her legs and sit in a more respectable manner. Jasmine offered the considered opinion that Ms Moss "needs to get laid", while Jodie protested that "I wasn't showing anyone my knickers". Which proves there's a first time for everything.
Having been told to cover up her tattoos with bandages, Jodie set off for work looking like she'd been in a car crash, and the trainee reps arrived for a meet-and-greet with the holidaymakers. It went well. One by one, each rep stood up and introduced themselves - Nina mentioning her career in broadcasting, Jordan talking about music, and Scott announcing "I'm going to get you all absolutely pissed out of your heads". Which went down well with the young children in the audience.
A short reprimand later, and the six were introduced to their repping partners. Each was paired with an experienced Olympic rep, the star of the show for me being Ashley, who earned huge amounts of respect from yours truly for not only representing the holidaymakers, but also the British public as a whole, by starting her working relationship with Jasmine with the words "I don't mean to be rude, but who are you?"
Meanwhile Scott, who still seemed to think he was on an 18-30 holiday, earned slightly less respect by introducing himself to one of the customers with the greeting "with tits like that, I'm definitely going to be on your pub crawl". Not straight out of the manual, that one.
Introductions over, it was down to work, which basically involved handing out orange juice, and wandering aimlessly amongst the sun loungers. Jordan was treated to an hour long lecture on rep protocol in a monotone voice, which was sweet revenge for all that NKOTB music, while Jasmine was continuing to bond with Ashley, who cheerfully told her "You can't be that much of a good model, coz I've never heard of you". Honestly, I could marry that girl. Jasmine responded with a self-effacing and eternally modest "You truly, Ashley, are ignorant if you don't know who I am", before adding "If nobody's heard of me, explain to me why I've been in six different magazines in the last two weeks and have a fifteen thousand pound car sitting outside my house".
A fifteen thousand pound car? I bet Kate Moss can only dream of riches like that.
But all's well that ends well, and at the close of the working day, the group returned to their villa to compare notes. Jodie described it as dire, Jordan was confused, and Nina exhausted, while Scott merely declared "I've seen some mint tits".
Although of course he wouldn't know if they were mint unless he'd sucked them. Which is probably against Olympic rules.