Farming Today

A couple of porn stars, two glamour models, an actress, a rapper, a fireman, a ventriloquist, a popstar and a pensioner. It could only be series two of 'The Farm'. Which is about as good a place as any for this blog to begin. Start at the bottom, and work your way down, that's what I say. It's certainly Five's motto anyway.

In episode one, broadcast live tonight from behind a haystack in Wiltshire, we were introduced to the ten 'celebrities' who've agreed to shovel shit for the next eighteen days in an effort to boost their flagging careers. As the country's favourite Blair skipped his way out of the horse box and into the farmhouse, presenters Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan, "the Scottish Ant & Dec", (everything's older and cheaper north of the border), informed us that "Lionel was a bit nervous about not knowing anyone in the house".

Him and me both. Mikey Green anyone? Apparently he's in a band (and I use the term loosely) called Phixx, who according to the Five website are big in South Africa. But then again, so is AIDS. I'm told he made it down to the final ten of 'Popstars: The Rivals'. Which means he wasn't good enough to get into One True Voice. That's the level of talent we're dealing with here.

But you have to say it was good to see Keith Harris on TV again, interacting with his dummy. Or Dave Morgan as he's known. Dave is singlehandedly attempting to redefine the word 'celebrity', by being in no way famous. When asked by Public Enemy's Flavor Flav "what do you do?", our Dave replied "my ex partner was a soap star". Which obviously qualifies as a bona fide career these days.

Of course, Flavor then complicated matters by mis-hearing the words "my ex partner" as "Mike's partner" and immediately asking who Mike is. There was a lot of confusion in that house. And that was before Cicciolina arrived armed with a cuddly toy and a boob job, and started making Jean Christophe Novelli's grasp of English look good.

Dave was one up on Emma Noble though, who, when asked what she does, appeared genuinely stumped. No such problem for Charlene Tilton, who claimed to be an actress, and then proved it by putting in the best performance of her career to convince Lionel Blair that she'd heard of him.

The line-up was completed by Emma B, whose surname reflects the grade of celebrity she aspires to be, and Ron Jeremy, who proves that when you're fat and you've got a moustache, women will only sleep with you if they're being paid.

Once in, it was left to Flavor Flav to demonstrate his extensive knowledge of British life with the words "It would be really fly [no idea, but I think it means good] if they brought in the King of England", before the would-be farmers settled down on the sofas in the living room. Well, I say living room. To me it's a living room, to you it's a living room, to Colin McAllister it's "a great sharing space".

He'll be in there with a yoga video and some crystals before the week's out.